Im sorry I have to go
by starlightdreamer052000
Summary: Hermione has a dark secret. Somebody helps her through warning charter death.
1. Chapter 1

I don't own harry potter. This is a one shot and will be sad so if you don't like to get upset don't read. This is a dark fic . Also sorry my English sucks sorry.

Hermione Pov:

Its amazing what people think they know and how much they really. How everyone pays so much attention to themselves do actually notice others? For years I have been seen as a know it all and book worm. Yet people don't know why. I hide myself in books because then people won't notice that I'm changing.

I have held a secret for years I have always lived in fear that it would come back and now it has. Nobody has noticed though. With the war over nobody looks out for each other any more everbody goes back to there own thing.

I wish I could go back to be the old me but I can't it back and there's nothing I can do. I have started to take the tables I have been prescribed. I try to make as many notes as I used to. I sit in every class I smile and answer question. Nobody notices that my arm shakes nobody can see my muscles stiffen every so often and I hide my grimace as another searing pain courses though my abdomen.

Harry and Ron want to know if I will go and watch them as they play quiddicth but I say I need to study. They don't push me and for that I am glad. I need to sleep, I need to stop this constant tiredness and then maybe focus on something else for a few moments. I couldn't deal if they found out though. If they knew they would just give me that look and then dodge around me like I would break. They can't know but for now I need to sleep.

I didn't go to dinner last night and was late to breakfast this morning. I would of run to the great hall but it hurts to move to fast and when I tire I cough up blood. Now im running late for potions and it is the one class that Im wary of. Proffessor Snape has been a spy for years if anyone could see though my mask it would be him.

I breathe a sigh of relief that when I enter the class. The professor is in a mood and takes house point as usual. Good to see some things never change. The potion we had to make was a simple sleeping draught and so I didn't have much trouble making it. I barley needed to focus and that was my big mistake. As I placed my potion on a cooling heat my muscle spasmed I bit my lip from crying out in pain and my eyes glazed over. It must have only lasted a minute but he saw. I saw his eyes land on mine I was positive but he said nothing so I figured it was just my nerves.

By the end of the class I couldn't wait to go. I didn't have anything till later in the afternoon and I knew I could catch up on some sleep. Then as we where putting our potion to the table He caught my arm. It was a light grip but it hurt none the less. "See me when everyone else has gone miss Granger.

Harry and Ron gave me a sympathetic glance but knew better than to hang around when Snape wanted to talk to someone. Once the class had gone he told me to follow him. So I did. We went through to his office and then a door I hadn't seen before. Soon we where in a living area. It was one of the most amazing rooms I had ever seen.

The room held muggle and wizard furniture and there was one of the biggest book collections I had ever seen. There was two leather chairs and a leather sofa around a fire it was well homley. "I trust you will tell know one what these rooms are like." I felt it hard to speak but reassured him all the same. "Of course professor I understand this is a privilege but am curious as to why you brought me hear." My heart was hammering what would happen if he knew.

It was a few seconds before he spoke again but when he did his voice was different. "My apologises miss granger please have seat. You look like you could speak to someone and I think I will be able to help." I was grateful at the suggestion to sit so I did, but unfortunately The words left my mouth before I could stop them. "Nobody can help me professor."

It was at that moment I began to cough. To people not knowing what to look for the cough was just a chesty cough you could catch with a cold but I knew better. It was spreading and there was nothing I could to about it. Proffessor snape was at my side In seconds rubbing my back and surprisingly the coughing eased.

"How long." The words shocked me as he said them did know what I had. I knew he would be able to work out I was sick eventually but he seem to already know. Even Dumbledore didn't know. Last time I went to America to get treatment so nobody would find out. "four years though I'd been clear for the pass two."

He was silent for a while though I was still in his arms even after I finished coughing. "Is it treatable." I shrugged my shoulders I knew this was coming it always does. "Depends I've been back on the tables for a couple of weeks. My blood enzymes are high my hormones are every where and even thyroid gland has been effected."

It amazing how easy it was to tell him, so natual. To finally be able tell someone that wouldn't break down. I remember when I first got it I was 14 I was home for the summer and spending it with my boyfriend lee. Although we only saw each other through the summers we had know each other since we where small and had dated every summer since I started Hogwarts. The day we went to the beach and we where running along the beach the sun was hot and the next thing I knew i was in hospital and it was three days later.

I remember waking up to his sleeping form beside my bed. I remember hotwired he looked and tears in his eyes threatening to spill. When I found out mum payed for me to get treated private in America. When I hit remition I used the time turner to return the same time as everyone else but now I had a secret I wouldn't let anybody know. I could face seeing in there faces what I did in Lee's.

Severus brought me back to today by asking if I as hungry. I had forgotten where I was an so blushed guilty. " actually im just tired." When I said that suddenly I felt a cover around me. He smiled slightly. "Then rest. I know you don't want other informed and I respect that but the head master needs to know for liability purposes. I will inform him and I assure you nobody else will know."

I was going to say thank you but felt so drain when my head hit the pillow I was a sleep. I awoke a while later to find professor on one of the arm chairs reading a book and the fire blazing. "How are you feeling miss granger a be honest." His voice was calm and smooth and there was something there that I couldn't place. "Actually professor for the fist time in days I feel like I have some strength.

As I spoke He move across the room till he was looking me in the eye. " I want you to know if you ever need a get away or need some help I will be here for you what ever you choose to do with your treatment.

It hit me then he knew. He knew I needed to go back to chemo but I was refusing he new I was going to die. But he supported my beliefs. I know chemo works for a lot of people and that it worked for me once but. I wouldn't go back. I hated the feeling of not being me I was drugged half the time and when I wasn't I felt so louse I could move I know that it was also my only chance but at the same time it not a definite cure. If I am going to die at least I will have a few months of being just me. Not another patient not another person to be pitied or used a role model. Im not brave or strng im just me. For the first time ever somebody else has seen that and not run away.

Six months later.

Severus Pov.

Im standing here at her grave side. I knew it was coming and so did she. Others may think im a bastard for not stopping her but it as her choice her decision. She was strong and determind but sometime that's not enough. Im glad she could trust me at the end. I wish she was still here but I learnt long ago that life was unfair. Her friends are grieveing but they on't know what she went through they wheren't with her when she awke in the night screaming with pain. They wheren't there when the doctors told her it had spread to far. They didn't hold her when she cried. But most important they didn't see the true angel braving day to day life know hers was going to end.

Ok so what did you think. Sorry if I offended anyone I know it's a difficult subject I just need to write this story up. Once again I apologise for my appalling English. Please read and review.


	2. letter of lost love

Ok So I said it was going to be a one shot but this came to me so I thought id add it.

Don't own the charters

Proffessor Snape was helping clean out Hermione room. Almost everybody else was in tears and so it was left for him to finish the task. Although he would never let on what he felt for Hermione His heart had broke the day she died. When cleaning her room he uncovered a note addressed to him.

Dearest Severus

For the first time in my life I don't know what to say or where to begin. It seem my Gryfinndor bravery has finally deserted me as I wish I could have said this to your face.

First and fore most I must say thank you. Your strength and support has been my guide. I hated how everybody else looked at me like I was going to break at any moment or how people shyed away at the though that they might incur the same fate as me.

I had always respected you when you where a spy for the order. I remember one time waking in the night at Gimand place and saw you where hurt. I wanted to go up to you then but with the war raging on I knew that things couldn't come to be. The truth is I loved you. But I was to afraid to be hurt again. The first time I got ill I was in love with a boy called lee. I had know him forever and though I always would. I couldn't bear to see one I love face my pain.

Albus Dumbledore once said there are worse things in life than death. How right he was. I am not afraid to die only. Afraid of the pain I will cause others. Nobody can live forever. They say only the good die young but you and I know that's not true. Death take who it want's. I never wanted to say good bye to you. But you where my rock. I know that I should of probably taken this to my grave as it will hurt you more. I love you I always have. Part of me wishes that I could of told you before but I couldn't dare to imagine that the feeling where returned.

I am sorry for writing this. My writing is that of a person with only, one regret. That I couldn't have you. I am not deluded that you are the perfect man. I know what you once releved in a person pain as a death eater. But you are an amazing man who has fought for right and light and should never have to face pain again. I only hope you will find the right person for you and will be happy.

I can't continue this any longer as my muscle are to weak to continue. So I leave you with one last note. I'll always be with you in spirt. Love always Hermione.

If you are not the potion Proffessor Severus Snape. Then the wards cast on this charm are worn of and it has been a hundred years since I Hermione granger have left this earth. Ive know doubt you would of heard of him in history of magic, a great war against lord voldermort won by harry potter.Please know ther was more than harry in that war and Severus snape what ever the books say about him. He is the most kindest person in the world and should always be honoured as a hero and a loyal man.

It was hours later when Mivera Mcgonall found Severus snape crying over a love that was not meant to be.

Well what do you think did it ruin the first part or make it better. Or did it just sound like some ramnlings of a crazy person well review so I know.


	3. Chapter 3

Its been a long time since i read this fic and im in a different place now but after re reading it i thought id try another chapter to see if it goes okay. Obviously for this fic nape never died in deathly hallows. also Ebony Starstorm you poem was beautiful im only sorry i didn't read it sooner.

Exactly 10 years later

Severus POV

Irony the doctor was telling me I had what she had though mines incurable I don't have the choice of treatment its gone to far. That okay though. Maybe now I will be able to join her but then again I wasn't as pure as she was.

Its amazing though this time I never forgot i remember when she used to sit in my arms and I could feel her shudder. Never once did I realise how much pain came with it. She had covered me from that. I wish she would of let me know.

Minevera come to me a few times a day im still in my room at Hogwarts. She doesn't want me to die alone. Funny I don't feel alone I feel her when my cough i feel her whisper comfort. Then I reprimand myself she wouldn't have stayed she was to brave to strong to become a ghost. But still i can feel her.

As my life of a teacher and my life of a spy the one thing i know is happiness is fleeting the times you don't realise are the best of your life. Its cliché and i would never tell anyone this but it true

She taught me to still believe. So many times that i wanted to kill myself but i knew that would of been a waste to her memory and i know she cared for me.

The pain at night is unbearable how did she keep so quiet. I dreamed of her last night she was so alive she smiled and said its okay. She resited a muggle poem

"Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush.

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die"

I wish I could of stayed in that dream instead I woke up being sick the pain caused this numbing sensation and I couldn't move and so i though of her and the pain couldn't touch me. From now i will think of her to get me though the pain.

Minevera POV

Ive seen so much though my life but Severus snape always astounded me he always came of calm and aloof of as hard ass were moments as a child I saw him love. He loved one of my own house. He loved lily but whilst at the time I truely believed he would never love again until i found him that night.

He was clutching a note I approached him as he was in a ball crying and i crouched beside him he looked at me tears rolling down his eyes. "I loved her back." I knelt beside him and said " Severus if this is to much if Hermione was too much like Lilly we can get someone else." He turned at me then with a sad smile. "Lilly was my soul mate Minevra but Hermione was my heart my soul and my being."

I wondered what he meant until one day i heard him counselling a student. "you may be sad that dorstoff has a new partner but you are important you have known each other since children and that bond never goes away."

He then surprised me by saying. "The ancient Greeks used to believe that are soul are now split in two and that the two parts create one people. Now let me tell you a secret. Soul mates aren't lovers like most people believe there just the other part of the person both sides of a coin they have a friendship that is stronger than anything can kill even death wont stop that part but when your sol mate someone that has their heart the soul mate must move aside and be happy for if there happy so will there eternal friend. Dont worry because the day you have someone who hold your heart soul and true love you will become complete."

As a professor I never heard of something so poetic and sad. When he said he loved Hermione I though that he was just i grief and that it was a misplaced infatuation. After he calm the student i followed him to her grave. It had been 5 years and her grave was full of flowers and life as it had been the day she was buried. I watched from afar as he placed anoth flower on her grave. I admit i followed him dor a while every night he would return. Every night he would talk to her thinking he was alone. No matter what the weather he returned. I know they where never lovers in this life I trust he would never be in appropriate with a student but his love to me was clear. Never in my life had is en such devotion. I wish people could see what i saw from then on but most talked about the bat of the dunegeon the ogre that didn't know how to love. The truth is I had met someone that loved as much as Severus snape.

Severus POV

I know I haven't got long left and im okay with it Minevra looks sad evertime she vists i know Hermione hated that look and I know why know. Funny she still keeps teaching me things. My hands are tired I'm going to sleep now.

It was three days before anybody found Severus Snapes body. As Mineva cleared his room she found a note.

Minevra If you are reading this then i am dead Hermione granger left a note for me and now i want to write one for her. Her wishes were in a hundred years someone would fine it and acknowledge what I done in the war. She wanted my effort to be noticed however i never wanted stature or people to understand but i wish they understood her. She was able to give her whole being to everyone that she met. The world praises Harry potter but she was the brain and heart behind the operation she fough the dark magic when she knew she had cancer and she fought even more to protect her friends. The many years she struggle but didn't let anyone know. Her intellect knew no bouts her courage new no fear and her love was endless to any that wanted it even to an old fool like me she could see into everybody and find a goodness even they had forgot.

The war against voldermort was a hard battle and may people who should of been honour have been forgot she has been forgot and that is unfair Harry potter didn't killed Voldermort on his own. Hermione Jane Granger was the brain or the golen trio the world should never forget.

Now Minevra please look after these notes and when the time is right place them together so that in 90 years they can be read together and know that in that one moment to lovers who never got a chance to be together in life has that moment in death

S/S

Okay so was this okay or rubbish i wrote it pretty late in the night.


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